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Nigel to “Ban Fun”
19 Nigeanuary, 2010
Our Master, Nigel Havers, in true opposition style, has kick-started His pre-election campaign by speaking out in support of the government’s latest attempt to clamp down on binge drinking in the UK.
In His weekly address to the nation on Radio Nigel, the new radio station from Havers Media, our Lord Nigel Havers said that He agreed in principle with the latest scheme to exert stricter social authority by the proposed banning of irresponsible drinks promotions, abandonment of the removal of war time licensing restrictions, and further increases to taxation on drinks. However, while He commended their efforts, Nigel also criticised both Labour and the Conservatives for not going far enough:
“Labour and the Conservatives have not gone far enough. What we need to do is to get to the root of the problem in order to achieve real social change. What we need to do is to completely remove fun from pubs and clubs. Only then will we recover our damaged reputation in the UK and abroad. What is more, we need to achieve this change now. After all, the cretinous electorate cannot be expected after a night on the tiles to be sensible and vote for the NHA in the next election.”
Among the NHA’s proposals to overcome the binge culture in the UK are measures to impose smaller drink measures for women, tougher ID controls and character reference checks at the point of sale, and the immediate closure of Essex.
Both Matthew Corbett, Morale Enforcement Officer for the NHA, and Donald Sutherland, Spokesman for Spiritual and Technological Advancement for the NHA, have publicly announced their support for Nigel’s latest campaign:
“Only Nigel Havers could be bold enough to say it like it is, in what will undoubtedly be an election winning initiative this year,” posted Corbett on his Twitter page, while Sutherland posted: “The people of Britain are a mess; He will put them right, have no fear.”
Nigel’s address this morning is already proving to be popular among voters. According to an independent poll conducted by NigePoll, Labour and the Conservatives are currently neck and neck, while the NHA is quickly catching up, climbing ten points since the last poll conducted before Christmas.
Well done, Nigel!
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Saviour Lashes Out at Cyclists in Christmas Message
9 DECHAVERS, 2009
The Saviour, Nigel Havers, is said to be promoting road safety in His message to the nation this Christmas, in which He provides an overview of His main concerns of the past year and outlines His top priorities for 2010.
This year’s long-awaited message is being met with particular anticipation, being the last one to take place before the NHA enters government next year.
Nigel was unfortunately unavailable for comment, tied up as He is at the moment performing in Jack and the Beanstalk at The Royal Centre, Nottingham. However, in an interview for NHA Radio Nigel, Geoff Davies, NHA Spokesman for Correction and Purification outlined the rationale behind the speech:
“Road safety in the UK is currently a joke. The problems are well-known and widespread, from drivers with no comprehension of lane discipline, to pedestrians who cannot walk in a straight line, to town planners who are completely devoid of logic and are obsessed with introducing bus lanes that stretch no more than fifty metres, and mini roundabouts, whose sole purpose seem to be to antagonise and to promote equal rights to minor roads.
“However, the first step to improving road safety in the UK must be to stop the primary offenders, namely cyclists, literally in their tracks. Their complete disregard of the Highway Code is only exacerbated by their ‘holier than though’ self-righteous attitude, as they weave in and out of obstacles with no lights on singing about how green and environmentally friendly they are. We are therefore proposing a series of measures to combat the issue of cyclists, and to promote safety in general.”
The measures outlined include the introduction of cycling licenses and road tax for cyclists, to ensure that they display due courtesy, respect, and riding standards at all times. All cyclists will also be required to wear a helmet and high visibility clothing at all times, and to display standardised front and rear lighting. This is in part for safety reasons, but also in order that our hatred for them can be dissipated by the ridiculousness of their appearance and to improve targeting by snipers. Other measures include the abolition of bus lanes, introduction of a national underground cycle lane network, and provision of pogo sticks for pedestrians.
Nigel’s Christmas message will be broadcast to the nation on Christmas Day on NHATVUK1 at 3pm, and again on NHATVUK1+2 at 5pm.
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Nigel to be Second EU President
19 NIGEMBER , 2009
Our Lord Nigel Havers is being tipped as the favourite to become the second president of the European Union, following the announcement that Belgian Prime Minister, Herman Van Rompuy, will be first at the helm of the top job.
The decision to install Van Rompuy as an interim puppet leader has caused a great deal of upset among loyal NHA Comrades, both at home and abroad. However, EU leaders today claimed that the EU presidency would be an “unwelcome distraction” to Nigel’s efforts to fix the UK from its current mess, as He prepares for His first term as Prime Minister next year.
The Saviour is currently attracting very exciting odds on NigeBet for the 2010 UK general election, and is also the most likely candidate for the next EU presidency when it is chosen again in 2½ years, according to an independent poll conducted on Wednesday.
Although Nigel has not openly declared His position on the EU presidency, He has received overwhelming support from His own party, and from other notable characters, including Vince Cable, Boris Johnson, and Bill Oddie.
Donald Jefferson, the NHA’s Assistant Vice-President declared his support for Nigel earlier today in an exclusive interview for NHATVUK1+2, the new entertainment channel from Havers Media.
“There truly is no one better suited for the role than Our Lord and Master, Nigel Havers,” said Jefferson, speaking to Neil Buchanan on The One Nigel Show. “Nigel has consistently shown His confidence in bringing the Europe project into the 21st century; His speeches on human rights, energy, transport and slavery being impeccable, despicable, and inspirational. Europe needs His strong voice. However, Europe is a big boy now and it is right that Nigel’s efforts are focused on digging the UK out of the hole she has found herself in first, before moving onto more imperialistic ambitions.”
Top work, Nigel!
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