NIGEL PREPARES BID FOR TROUBLED EAST COAST LINE
2 Niguly, 2009
The Saviour Nigel Havers has announced His intention to bid for the troubled East Coast rail franchise, if and when it becomes available.
The NHA have already announced their plan to fully Nigelise the British Railway network when they win the next general election. However, the operation of the East Coast service by Haverian Railways in the meantime would help “soften the blow” before the service can be rolled out to the rest of the country.
In an exclusive interview for NHATVUK1+2, the new television channel from Havers Media, Nigel outlined His vision for the future of rail travel.
“Privatisation of the railways has been one of the key factors that have contributed to the complete failure of rail ‘services’ in the UK in recent years. The failure of National Express to manage their service effectively has provided us with a fantastic opportunity to show the public how we plan to revolutionise railways in this country.”
The strength of Nigel’s bid lies primarily with the benefits that Haverian Railways will bring to the country, rather than with the provision of any financial benefits to the government’s pockets. These revolutionary benefits, never before provided by previous rail services in the UK, include customer service, schedules, a ban on unnecessary announcements, discounts for nice customers, free tea for all, and trains that are actually deserving of the title “high speed” (including the promise of warp speed trains by 2020).
The Saviour is indeed very optimistic about His vision to save UK rail travel, as His comment on NigelTwitt, the Saviour’s very own Twitter page demonstrates:
“Warp speed Haverian Railway to win East Coast line? Quite excited by the thought of London to Edinburgh in the projected 12.5 Nigeminutes!”
Well done, Nigel!
What do you think? Click here to join NigeTalk!
NIGEL “PLEASED” WITH ELECTION RESULT
8 NIGUNE, 2009
The Saviour, Nigel Havers, is said to be “pleased” with the result of last week’s local and European elections, which saw a staggering 2750% increase in the number of people who voted NHA compared with the 2005 general election, when one person voted for the NHA.
“This result really is marvellous news for the NHA,” said His Nigelness in an exclusive interview for NHATVUK1+2, the new television channel from Havers Media. “It shows that we’re finally on the right track, that people are listening to what we’ve been saying at last. It’s a real confidence booster, not only for us, but for our loyal followers too, more of whom will be encouraged to come out of the woodwork at the next election.”
A total of 11 whole people voted for the NHA in the county council elections last Thursday, while an amazing 17½ people voted for the NHA in the European elections.
Unfortunately, none of the votes that were cast for the NHA were deemed eligible, as they were all cast in areas where the NHA had not been registered to vote, meaning that the 28½ votes for Nigel were considered “spoiled” papers.
“It is extremely disappointing that the votes cast for the NHA are not being counted due to a technicality with the voting system. It is also disappointing that we have lost our election deposits yet again. However, we’re a determined bunch, and come what may, we will definitely be in power within twelve months. In the meantime, we have our best man, Geoff Davies, on the case; the Electoral Commission picked the wrong day to mess with the NHA! We will not stand for this kind of repression!”
Bold words indeed, Nigel!
ESTHER RANTZEN EXPELLED FROM NHA
20 Mayvers, 2009
Ex-That’s Life presenter, Esther Rantzen, has been expelled from the NHA following her announcement on Monday that she would stand as an independent candidate against disgraced Labour MP Margaret Moran.
Although not yet a full member of the Alliance, Rantzen was a rising star of the NHA whose indoctrination was nearly complete.
“It’s a great shame for the party,” said Assistant Vice-President, Donald Jefferson. “The selection process for the NHA is very tough indeed, as Nigel will only accept the crème de la crème to fight for The Cause. However, Esther was proving to be a very worthy candidate; although she had trouble with the physical tests, she more than made up for them with the mental agility tests, while her levels of strategic cunning were off the chart.”
The Constitution of the NHA do however have very strict rules; line 172 of Article Four very clearly states, “No Ally of The Saviour Nigel Havers should betray or display mutinous tendencies towards said Saviour… whether in earnest or in jest… lest he or she face immediate expulsion from the Alliance and judgment by court-martial.”
Rantzen is excused from judgment by court-martial as she has not yet been ordained. However, she will be required to return her access pass to Château l’Havères, and her NHA cheque book and pen.
“She was truly a rising star of the party,” added Geoff Davies, Minister for Correction and Purification. “It’s very unfortunate, although I believe she is getting off very lightly.”
RELATED LINKS
Vacancy
The first of many exciting vacancies at the NHA for 2009 has just arisen! If you think you have what it takes to join Nigel and the gang, please send a CV and covering letter to , remembering to tell our support team in 500 words and no more or less why Nigel Havers should be the next Prime Minister*.
* The best responses may be published on www.nigelhaversalliance.com for morale and propaganda purposes.
NigelTwitt
NIGEL GETS TOUGH ON MPs’ EXPENSES
9 MAYVERS, 2009
Our Lord, Nigel Havers has announced tough new measures to control MPs’ expense claims, which, when elected next year, will ensure legitimacy, trust, and charm arrive in force when Nigel takes up residency at Number Ten.
Under the plan, MPs will only be allowed to claim for items which have already been approved by The Charmer as essential to achieving The Great Objective. For example, tea bags, pogo sticks, and moustache licenses, could all be claimed as expenses, as would elocution and charm lessons in an NHA Finishing School.
Although the plan does not allow MPs whose voting record is not congruent with Nigel’s aspirations for Britain to claim expenses relating to second homes, Nigel’s plan is more generous than it appears: MPs who are still “learning” will be provided with free dormitory style accommodation in London’s up and coming East End (at Nigel’s personal expense).
“I prefer to think of it as ‘tough love’,” said Nigel in NigeCast, The Saviour’s weekly podcast. “MPs don’t need punishment for their crimes against humanity; they merely need guidance, and a great deal of it.”
However, not all MPs have reacted as positively to The Saviour’s plan.
“It’s true, not all MPs are happy with my proposals. I know Jacqui Smith in particular has been on the phone all morning complaining about the prospect of sharing a dormitory with Margaret Beckett. I spent several hours reassuring her that neither of them will be a problem once the NHA take charge.”
If you have any thoughts on Nigel’s latest plans, no matter how misguided, please feel free to share them here!
RELATED LINKS
Jacqui Smith to be Deported
JET OFF WITH HAVAIRS!
Have you booked your summer holiday yet? Click here to jet off with HavAirs!
JACQUI SMITH TO BE DEPORTED
4 MAYVERS, 2009
The current Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, could be deported under controversial plans outlined by the NHA’s Spokesman for Culture and Home Affairs, Neil Buchanan.
The proposed Anti-Negativisation green paper will require all citizens who have made a significant negative contribution to Nigel’s society, including criminals, cyclists, and anybody employed by the Daily Mail, to be deported from the UK mainland and re-housed on special container ships moored just north of the Shetland islands.
“By removing all negativity from mainland Britain, our once great nation can begin to flourish again: road rage will reduce, and depression and anxiety will disappear, resulting in greater productivity, which will ultimately allow our economy to climb out of the mess it is currently in,” said Buchanan, speaking on NHA Radio Nigel’s Tomorrow programme. “The relocation of certain key figures, such as Jacqui Smith, Jeremy Kyle, and Bill Oddie, is a significant first step in the reduction of general cynicism, fear, and ghastliness that is rife in today’s society.”
WHAT DOES NIGEL STAND FOR?
Do you have quibbles with the NHS, public transport, facial hair, or grammar misuse?
Click here to find out what we are fighting for!
OTHER NEWS