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Nige Vows Not to Lose Election Deposit
28 Nigebruary, 2010
His Nigelness has today spoken out against critics who believe that the NHA will not cut the mustard this election time.
“It is true that we have not had brilliant success in elections,” said Nigel in His weekly address to the nation on NHA Radio Nigel. “However, this time will most certainly be different. We are in a very strong position politically, with the cretinous electorate being sick to the back teeth of the three main parties. We also have a fantastic team, and a multitude of cracking policies to boot!”
Among Nigel’s new policies include a crack down on the use of non-words such as ‘Apps’, a ban on all types of fun in an effort to go one step further than the current government’s bid to rid the nation of its culture of binge drinking, immediate removal of bus lanes, and the introduction of NHA finishing schools for those children who do not meet Nigel’s grade.
Poor result
Back in July 1999, the Saviour announced that the NHA would ’bite the bullet’ and enter the 2001 election. Critics said that it was too soon, that the NHA were not ready for the election. They were right. In the 2001 general election, the NHA received the poorest result ever held by any political party in the UK: no votes. This by no means dispirited Nigel on His great quest for leadership. Many critics questioned the legitimacy of the NHA when this result emerged, as it showed that not even Nigel Himself had voted for the NHA. When asked why He had not voted for His own party, He claimed, “I did not want to let my fellow candidates down. They would have done the same for me, I am positive of that.” What a neat guy.
Speaking in 2003, Assistant Vice-President Donald Jefferson defended the 2001 election result: “Although this was considered by some to be something of a let down, for those of us faithful to the Cause it simply strengthened our resolve. Nigel is far too humble to ever vote for Himself, and we have struggled on by His example ever since.”
Not all “doom and gloom”
In the 2005 general election, the NHA secured a massive 100% increase in supporters, when one person voted for the party.
Nigel however remains confident of victory this year: “Clearly we need to do better; current predictions show that if we continue at the same rate of progress, we will not be in government until 2035, a target that is simply unacceptable. However, I know that the public will pull through and see sense. Our very own Department for Correction and Purification, headed by the esteemed Dr Geoff Davies, has done some sterling work to ensure the utmost level of persuasion from our campaign team. We cannot fail.”
Bold words indeed, Nigel!
Nigel to “Ban Fun”
19 Nigeanuary, 2010
Our Master, Nigel Havers, in true opposition style, has kick-started His pre-election campaign by speaking out in support of the government’s latest attempt to clamp down on binge drinking in the UK.
In His weekly address to the nation on Radio Nigel, the new radio station from Havers Media, our Lord Nigel Havers said that He agreed in principle with the latest scheme to exert stricter social authority by the proposed banning of irresponsible drinks promotions, abandonment of the removal of war time licensing restrictions, and further increases to taxation on drinks. However, while He commended their efforts, Nigel also criticised both Labour and the Conservatives for not going far enough:
“Labour and the Conservatives have not gone far enough. What we need to do is to get to the root of the problem in order to achieve real social change. What we need to do is to completely remove fun from pubs and clubs. Only then will we recover our damaged reputation in the UK and abroad. What is more, we need to achieve this change now. After all, the cretinous electorate cannot be expected after a night on the tiles to be sensible and vote for the NHA in the next election.”
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Saviour Lashes Out at Cyclists in Christmas Message
9 DECHAVERS, 2009
The Saviour, Nigel Havers, is said to be promoting road safety in His message to the nation this Christmas, in which He provides an overview of His main concerns of the past year and outlines His top priorities for 2010.
This year’s long-awaited message is being met with particular anticipation, being the last one to take place before the NHA enters government next year.
Measures ourlined include the introduction of cycling licenses, the abolition of bus lanes, introduction of a national underground cycle lane network, and provision of free pogo sticks for pedestrians.
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