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The Alistair Darling Fun Spot

Alistair Darling Welcome to the Alistair Darling Fun Spot! As you may already know, the Chancellor, Alistair Darling, is tragically afflicted with a rare illness; although not life threatening, Darling suffers from a degenerative disease which causes his eyebrows to gradually drain their host of all energy, together with any trace of personality. Consequently, Darling’s eyebrows are also draining all life there may have once been in the UK economy.

We therefore urgently need you, the cretinous electorate, to send in your donations and letters of support to the Chancellor using the form below to raise his spirits just enough to allow the UK economy to survive until the NHA win the next general election.

Sir Elton John has already expressed his support for Nigel’s campaign, and has even offered to donate his own eyebrows to Mr Darling. As we all know, Sir Elton also suffers from a similar affliction. However, whereas Darling’s eyebrows suck all life from their victim, Sir Elton’s have the reverse effect: thrusting energy into the ageing rocker, which he frequently excretes on his extravagant shopping trips.

Bob Hoskins, NHA Treasurer and Economic Advisor, warns that the campaign will not be easy. “We desperately need to raise around ten million Havers so that an eyebrow transplant with Sir Elton can take place.”

If you would like to send your donation to our campaign, please print off and cut out the NHA cheque below, fill it in with the amount of Havers you would like to donate, and send to: Eyebrow Relief, 11 Downing Street, Westminster, London, SW1A 2AA.

In the meantime, please feel free to use the form below to send your jokes, poems, letters of support, or whatever you think would put a smile on Darling’s face during his convalescence. Remember to be careful with your spelling and grammar though; the best contributions to the Alistair Darling Fun Spot will be published below!

Cheque

 

Nigel Havers

Dear Alistair,

I am writing to add my support to Nigel’s valiant campaign.  As someone with no personality myself, I know how hard it is to be taken seriously in politics, especially in today’s world of fast food, reality television, and David Cameron.  Call me an old stick in the mud, but long gone are the days when people won votes with policies, rather than with their enthusiasm for cycling.  Unfortunately in your case, I fear that clear policy has given way to panic, downright madness, stupidity, or a combination of all three.  Although I do not blame you for driving our economy down the toilet, it is my belief that all rational thought in relation to this economic crisis we currently face has been driven out of your head by whatever is possessing your eyebrows.  I also believe that the raw energy held in Sir Elton’s eyebrows is just what we need right now to exorcise your demons and save us from the mess we find ourselves in now. Who knows, if it works, perhaps we could see if the power in his eyebrows can be harnessed further so that we can one day say goodbye to fossil fuels forever!

I therefore hope that this letter will serve to add my name to Nigel’s campaign. Please also find enclosed a cheque for 500,000 Havers to kick start the appeal.

Yours eternally,
M Howard QC

Nigel Havers

Alistair,

Thought this might cheer you up!

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. “Hey,” the bartender says, “what’s his name?” “Tiny,” the man replies. “Why call him that?,” the bartender says. “Because he’s my newt.”

Anne Widdecombe xx
Kent

Nigel Havers

Dear Alistair,

I would like to offer my support for Nigel’s appeal.  Eyebrows are no joke.  I know all too well the trauma and havoc that can be caused by having manic eyebrows. They have led me astray many a time, and have been responsible for a great deal of upset in my life, until finally, in a drug induced depression in 1998, I completely lost it and shaved them off over the railings of London Bridge.

However, I immediately realised my mistake the following morning; although I awoke with complete control of my emotions for once, I was also completely deprived of creativity, something of a necessity in my line of work.  I now store my eyebrows carefully in a box by the bed, only bringing them out for public performances and recording sessions.  It’s far from ideal, but it’s a fair compromise that allows me to have the best of both worlds.

I can therefore completely empathise with your condition, and sincerely hope that you will be able to get your transplant with Sir Elton soon, for all our sakes. I hereby donate one million Havers to the campaign to help it hit the ground running!

Regards,
Noel Gallagher

Nigel Havers

SEND YOUR LETTERS TO THE ALISTAIR DARLING FUN SPOT!

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