background image

MEET NIGEL HAVERS: BIOGRAPHY OF A HERO

Nigel HaversThe dashing and superb actor Nigel Havers is perhaps best known for His roles in The Charmer, Chariots of Fire, and more recently in hit BBC comedy Lunch Monkeys and as male escort Lewis in Coronation Street. However, the more ignorant folk out there may be less aware of His political career. We therefore now present a brief biography of the life of The Saviour, Nigel Havers.

The Honourable Nigel Allan Havers was born on 6th November, 1949. Like many people before Him, Nigel started life as a child. Nigel showed His true colours even in these early days with His sheer commitment to the role, which He played beautifully for many years before progressing to the slightly more challenging roles of adolescence, and later, adulthood.

Nigel was clearly destined for greatness from birth, coming from a long line of important Havers before Him. His father, Baron Lord Michael Havers served a number of important roles, including as a Queen´s Counsel, the Privy Council, Member of Parliament, Solicitor-General under Edward Heath, and Attorney General under Margaret Thatcher, before becoming a peer and Lord High Chancellor in 1987. Nigel´s grandfather was Sir Cecil Havers, a High Court Judge and brother of Dame Elizabeth Butler-Sloss, first woman ever appointed to the Court of Appeal.

Nigel HaversNigel´s first experience of broadcasting His special message to the nation was performing in the BBC radio series, Mrs Dale´s Diary as a child. Havers since developed a love of acting, and made His big screen debut as a monk in Pope Joan, a British drama about Pope Joan. Many however credit Nigel´s biggest break as Lord Andrew Lindsay in Chariots of Fire. The success of this film opened many doors for Havers, who was since offered many major movie roles and opportunities in Hollywood.

Nigel however turned down many of these opportunities when He realised His true calling: politics. It was the 1980s: Britain was in turmoil and Nigel could not desert His people when they needed Him most. Instead, keeping His head down, Nigel accepted a few more acting roles to keep the money flowing, all the while working in secret behind the scenes influencing major policy decisions of the Thatcher and Major administrations.

In 1995, opportunity called on Havers once again to spread His message, as He became one of the final choices to play Captain Janeway in Star Trek: Voyager. Alas, it was not to be; the producers became all too aware of Nigel´s political aspirations and were worried about the political direction Havers wanted to take the show. Concerns grew about the effect that this would have on the show, and the more masculine Kate Mulgrew was chosen instead.

Nigel Havers was not disheartened by this setback though as He was urgently needed back home. The political flavours of Britain were changing. As support for the Tory government declined, so too did Nigel´s secret influence over Number Ten. Drastic times called for drastic measures, and for a time, Havers considered infiltrating the Labour Party and continuing to lead the country from within as He had done with the Conservatives. However, the mere thought of being associated with ‘red hot Labour,´ even in secret, brought poor Nigel out in a nasty rash.

Our Nigel thought long and hard during His convalescence, and eventually made a momentous decision that would change the face of modern politics: if Nigel was to carry on leading the country, He would have to do so from His own party. Hence, in 1997, the Nigel Havers Alliance was formed. It was to be the political party to end all political parties. With the brilliant, charismatic and downright charming Nigel Havers as its leader, the NHA would never be weakened by petty in-squabbling and endless leadership elections. The Nigel Havers Alliance also did not have thuggish brutes such as John Prescott in the party, making the aesthetic appeal of the party much greater than that of Labour.

Nigel´s political influence was demonstrated by the Conservatives´ poor performance at this time. The Tories continued to have a string of puppet leaders like Thatcher and Major, although without Nigel to pull their strings, the party just went further into decline.

Sylvestor McCoyOver the years, the NHA has grown and expanded into the party we know and love today. Notable additions to the Alliance include Sylvestor McCoy, Neil Buchanan, Donald Sutherland, and Matthew Corbett.

Nigel Havers has battled on for the NHA ever since, although He keeps up His acting hobby whenever He can. One role that He particularly enjoyed playing due to the number of in-jokes it contained, was leader of the opposition in the BBC´s Little Britain. Other notable performances include Dr. Tom Latimer in Don't Wait Up, and of course Dr. Jonathan Paige in Dangerfield, while His film credits include A Passage to India, and of course the superb Empire of the Sun. Recently, Nigel has guest starred in a radio adaptation of Dr Who for BBC 7, and as Roger Grant in ABC television's Brothers and Sisters.

In 2006, Nigel published his long-awaited autobiography, Playing With Fire (not to be confused with the Gordon Ramsay book of the same name). In it, the Saviour, Nigel Havers tells of His journey through the world of acting. His much anticipated second book, which tells of Nigel’s political aspirations, charity work, and of course His work for the NHA, is rumoured to be in progress.

Nigel Havers is currently working His socks off battling for support for the general election. Follow Nigel’s progress on the campaign trail on NigelTwitt. We hereby take this opportunity to wish Nigel well in the election, and hope that the cretinous electorate do not let Him down again!

Good luck, Nigel!

Vote Twenty-Twn