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NIGEL HAVERS PREPARES TO SAVE THE WORLD ONCE AGAIN
16 OCTHAVERS 2006
Poor Nigel has been rushed off His feet once again this month in preparation for the annual NHA Party Conference. This year has been an especially busy one, as the Saviour welcomes several new key members to the team, in addition to unveiling many new policies in preparation for the next election battle.
Here is a preview of some of the NHA’s new policies which will make the world a far greater place:
PUBLIC TRANSPORT
In an age of rising fuel costs, congestion charging and cyclists, travelling by car has become almost as ghastly as travelling by public transport, while public transport has become as ghastly as David Cameron.
Hence, the NHA hereby propose a complete overhaul of public transport that addresses its primary problem, namely that it offers no respite from other members of the public. Private compartments will be introduced on buses, trains, planes, and the London Underground. First class sections and buffet cars will also be introduced on the Underground in order to make the whole experience a lot less like having tea with John Prescott. A new Nigel Havers Monorail network will also be constructed above the capital to help ease congestion.
To help combat terrorism, all passengers travelling on Nigel Havers’ own airline, HAVAIRS, will be stripped naked, rendered unconscious and locked into individual cages for the duration of the flight.
THE MILLENNIUM DOME
Perhaps the biggest waste of space and public money in the history of the world, the Millennium Dome will finally be put to good use as the world’s biggest indoor chav-fighting ring.
The Dome will be divided into fourteen zones, where chavs, criminals, illegal immigrants, people who do not understand apostrophes, and any other filth to have soiled modern British society, will all be able to fight each other to the death in the name of entertainment, and as a fun solution to overcrowding in Britain.
ITV are currently in talks with the NHA to televise the fights as a welcome replacement to Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway.
GREENER ENERGY
As part of the NHA’s commitment to making ourselves popular by making it seem like we care about the environment, we will encourage the use of new NHA Green light bulbs to replace the traditional white ones.
You can view the full range of policies by clicking here, or voice your thoughts by clicking here. Be sure to show your support for our Lord at the NHA Conference next week.
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