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Nigel Strikes Out Against Postal Strikes
16 SEPTHAVERS 2007
The Saviour Nigel Havers has said that He is "very upset" at the shocking service provided by Royal Mail recently.
"The time for action is now," declared Mike Jones, NHA Minister for Correction and Purification. "For too long people have put up with mail not being collected, post offices closing down and turning up five miles away inside branches of W H Smith, and letters seemingly vanishing in the Bermuda Triangle that appears to be the sorting offices of Royal Mail."
The NHA have rejected claims that the downfall of Royal Mail has been accelerated by the launch of The Saviour's own rival service, Post-Haste, in 2006.
"Post-Haste was not launched in order to rival Royal Mail, but instead in order to save the British people from endless disruption to their public services," said Minister for Administration, Angela Lansbury. "Clearly the only way to do this effectively was to start a new and better postal service. The system is far more efficient, due in part to the fact that our post offices are open, and that our workers' minds are not soiled with silly nonsense talk about striking all the time."
Since the arrival of Post-Haste last year, customer loyalty has not faltered and it is not difficult to see why. Junk mail has been eradicated, and a staggering 99% of letter bombs have arrived at their intended destinations, no questions asked.
The spin-off service to Post-Haste has also been a tremendous success. Over two million people have now subscribed to Nigel's Post-Haste Time Saving Emergency Schemes. One such scheme which has proved incredibly popular is the Post-Haste lane, to be found on all major motorways. This allows drivers in the event of an emergency to travel in a specially dedicated lane at their own pace, and avoid other nuisance road users, for a maximum of three times per month. For the price of one Post-Haste credit, all a subscriber needs to do is swipe his or her Post-Haste card in a slot inside their car, and shout "Post-Haste" in their most Nigel Havers-like voice.
"Of course the system is open to abuse," remarked Mike Jones. "This is why the lanes are monitored by cameras and the penalty for using a Post-Haste lane without permission or more than the allotted times each month is death."
For further information on Post-Haste, click here.
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