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NIGEL HAVERS “NOT AFRAID” OF CREDIT CRUNCH
4 OCTHAVERS, 2008
The Saviour, Nigel Havers, has announced special plans to save the world from the global economic “meltdown.”
Part of His plan to save the economy is to guarantee the safety of all deposits made to the Bank of Nigel Havers. The move has caused the price of Nigel's own currency, the Havers, to rise for the first time in the currency's eight-year history, meaning that 1,000 Havers is now worth nine whole pence, at least 80% greater than rival currency, the David Bellamy Dollar.
The Saviour denied rumours that the rise in popularity of the Havers was solely attributable to “heavy-handed” treatment by NHA troops in north Wales, arguing that the fact that Welsh people were acting out of line was a mere coincidence.
The guarantee will be available to all savers who deposit their entire savings into a Havers Bank bond, whereby they will be able to withdraw all their savings after thirty years of loyal service in the NHA Army.
The second part of our Lord's Grand Plan to save the economy is to seize control of the world's media. “Part of the problem is that the media have caused mass hysteria, through the repeated use of meaningless phrases such as 'meltdown,' 'credit crunch,' and 'George Bush,'” said Geoff Davies, NHA Minister for Correction and Purification. “We need the media to be able to spread happy news to the cretinous electorate. It is therefore imperative that we put an end to this Daily Mail culture of ignorance and panic.”
In a statement earlier this week, the Saviour also announced that His own airline, Havairs, would also be unaffected by the 'Credit Crunch'. “Our planes will be unaffected by rising fuel costs as ours is still the only airline to use leaded petrol, rather than naughty, expensive aviation fuel.”
The final part of Nigel's glorious plan to save the world from total economic destruction, is, of course, to provide free NHA tea bags for all! Good work, Nigel!
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