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Nigel to Create One Million Jobs
2 NIGEBRUARY, 2009
Our Saviour, Nigel Havers, has today announced that He will create one million jobs when the NHA win the next general election, in yet another heroic effort to fight off recession woes and to take dole scum and roustabout protesters back off the streets.
Jobs will be created across several key sectors, including education, law enforcement, construction, destruction, agriculture, and finance, due to the creation of several special projects designed to rescue the economy.
The news of Nigel's efforts to save the country from the mess it is currently in follows the announcement from the International Monetary Fund last week that the British economy is sinking down the toilet faster than any other developed country, in addition to reports of growing discontent throughout the country, as workers take unofficial strike action in protest to adverse weather and fears that foreign workers are stealing British jobs.
In order that Nigel's work may commence as soon as He arrives at Number 10, and that a never-ending supply of work may be created from when things go wrong, lengthy planning procedures and legal bureaucracy will be bypassed. Nigel's plan will also not cost the taxpayer a single Havers. This is because, rather than receiving a wage in the traditional sense, all employees will automatically have all their debts written off upon pledging their allegiance to our Lord, Nigel Havers, and any assets will be safeguarded in the Bank of Havers. Nigel's workforce will also be given free board and lodging in specially built residential centres, where guests will be given the opportunity to repay their debts to Nigel, for example by harvesting food to stimulate British agriculture, by disciplining hooded troglodytes on the streets to encourage law and order, or simply by spreading Nigel's Good News to all who can listen.
"This announcement really is wonderful news for British people everywhere," said Geoff Davies, NHA spokesman for Correction and Purification. "Nigel's Grand Plan will mean that by 2012, every single man and woman who has pledged allegiance to Nigel and who can pass a basic spelling and punctuation test will be able to honestly say that they have made a difference."
However, the NHA are by no means standing idly by, waiting until the next election to start their great work. Indeed, loyal NHA comrades are already volunteering in their droves to help, from training to become election wardens to ensure that people do not make clumsy mistakes and spoil their ballot papers at election time, to helping to spread negativity and panic with the current state of the country by writing for papers such as the Daily Mail.
If you would like to help Nigel save the country, and indeed the world, from its impending doom, please contact , where Comrade Geoff will be more than happy to help you and your family through every stage of the recruitment and training process.
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