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NIGEL GETS TOUGH ON MPs’ EXPENSES
9 Mayvers, 2009
Our Lord, Nigel Havers has announced tough new measures to control MPs’ expense claims, which, when elected next year, will ensure legitimacy, trust, and charm arrive in force when Nigel takes up residency at Number Ten.
Under the plan, MPs will only be allowed to claim for items which have already been approved by The Charmer as essential to achieving The Great Objective. For example, tea bags, pogo sticks, and moustache licenses, could all be claimed as expenses, as would elocution and charm lessons in an NHA Finishing School.
Although the plan does not allow MPs whose voting record is not congruent with Nigel’s aspirations for Britain to claim expenses relating to second homes, Nigel’s plan is more generous than it appears: MPs who are still “learning” will be provided with free dormitory style accommodation in London’s up and coming East End (at Nigel’s personal expense).
“I prefer to think of it as ‘tough love’,” said Nigel in NigeCast, The Saviour’s weekly podcast. “MPs don’t need punishment for their crimes against humanity; they merely need guidance, and a great deal of it.”
However, not all MPs have reacted as positively to The Saviour’s plan.
“It’s true, not all MPs are happy with my proposals. I know Jacqui Smith in particular has been on the phone all morning complaining about the prospect of sharing a dormitory with Margaret Beckett. I spent several hours reassuring her that neither of them will be a problem once the NHA take charge.”
If you have any thoughts on Nigel’s latest plans, no matter how misguided, please feel free to share them here!
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