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NHHS LAUNCH PANIC HOTLINE
24 Niguly, 2009
The National Havers Health Service’s “Panic Hotline” was launched today in a valiant effort by His Nigelness to calm the pandemic of panic that has swept the nation.
The National Nigel Havers Panic and Terror Prevention and Treatment Service (NNHPTPTS) was launched to help those who have suffered symptoms of anxiety or panic following any length of exposure to media coverage of recent events.
Speaking on NHA Radio Nigel’s Tomorrow programme, our lord Nigel Havers said the service would help calm people’s fears and take the pressure off psychiatrists.
“The NHA are doing everything we can to help ordinary people through crises such as the Swine Flu epidemic and the Credit Crunch. Not only are we doing are very best to prevent the spread of fear and panic, we are also helping to clear up our streets by reducing unemployment.” The service employs over 500,000 previously unemployable wretches, with over 450,000 working in the service’s statistics department. “Once the NHA are in power, it will of course be far simpler to control the spread of panic through such initiatives I have already put in place such as the NHHS and Havers Media.”
The Panic Hotline has already been hailed a success by NHHS officials, following reports that operators had saved lives within minutes of the service being launched.
“One caller rang this morning in a complete state,” said Matthew Corbet, Morale Enforcement Officer for the NHA. “She claimed that she had been walking by a newsstand in central London when a headline from the Daily Mail caught her eye and immediately induced a seizure. Fortunately our quick thinking degenerate operatives, who had only been given half an hour of training, were able to prevent her from jumping into the Thames just in time; she now has the Panic Hotline added to her speed dial.”
Within three minutes of the official launch of the NNHPTPTS, the combined usage of the service’s website and telephone lines had topped 5.7 trillion users, triggering equipment failure and panic, which in turn prompted staff in the NHHS Department of Statistics to also call the Panic Hotline.
Calls to the NNHPTPTS are not only free for all users of the NigeNet mobile network, but also their nominated Flu Friends and Family numbers too.
Top work, Nigel!
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