HEALTH
EDUCATION
EMPLOYMENT
EUROPE
MIDDLE EAST
ENERGY
TRANSPORT
SPELLING & GRAMMAR
SATIRE
NICK ROBINSON
VIDEOS:
NIGEL HAVERS GETS A TATTOO
PRIVILEGE INSURANCE ADVERT
WOGAN: NOW AND THEN
LLOYDS BANK ADVERT
© NHA MMX
NHA NEWS
2010 | 2009 | 2008 | 2007 | 2006
Saviour Lashes Out at Cyclists in Christmas Message
9 DECHAVERS, 2009
The Saviour, Nigel Havers, is said to be promoting road safety in His message to the nation this Christmas, in which He provides an overview of His main concerns of the past year and outlines His top priorities for 2010.
This year’s long-awaited message is being met with particular anticipation, being the last one to take place before the NHA enters government next year.
Nigel was unfortunately unavailable for comment, tied up as He is at the moment performing in Jack and the Beanstalk at The Royal Centre, Nottingham. However, in an interview for NHA Radio Nigel, Geoff Davies, NHA Spokesman for Correction and Purification outlined the rationale behind the speech:
“Road safety in the UK is currently a joke. The problems are well-known and widespread, from drivers with no comprehension of lane discipline, to pedestrians who cannot walk in a straight line, to town planners who are completely devoid of logic and are obsessed with introducing bus lanes that stretch no more than fifty metres, and mini roundabouts, whose sole purpose seem to be to antagonise and to promote equal rights to minor roads.
“However, the first step to improving road safety in the UK must be to stop the primary offenders, namely cyclists, literally in their tracks. Their complete disregard of the Highway Code is only exacerbated by their ‘holier than though’ self-righteous attitude, as they weave in and out of obstacles with no lights on singing about how green and environmentally friendly they are. We are therefore proposing a series of measures to combat the issue of cyclists, and to promote safety in general.”
The measures outlined include the introduction of cycling licenses and road tax for cyclists, to ensure that they display due courtesy, respect, and riding standards at all times. All cyclists will also be required to wear a helmet and high visibility clothing at all times, and to display standardised front and rear lighting. This is in part for safety reasons, but also in order that our hatred for them can be dissipated by the ridiculousness of their appearance and to improve targeting by snipers. Other measures include the abolition of bus lanes, introduction of a national underground cycle lane network, and provision of pogo sticks for pedestrians.
Nigel’s Christmas message will be broadcast to the nation on Christmas Day on NHATVUK1 at 3pm, and again on NHATVUK1+2 at 5pm.
OTHER NEWS