NHHS: THE NIGEL HAVERS HEALTH SERVICE
In order to solve the problems with the current health service, the NHS shall be replaced with the NHHS (Nigel Havers Health Service). To reduce waiting times by 90%, ugly people will be denied treatment, and all patients will have to perform an intelligence test to determine eligibility for treatment. Furthermore, all patients will be limited to a maximum of 3 treatments per month, unless they are a member of the Nigel Havers Army, or have made a voluntary contribution to the NHA Invasion Fund.

GREEN ENERGY & CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
As part of the NHA’s commitment to making ourselves popular by making it seem like we care about the environment, we will encourage the use of new NHA Green light bulbs to replace the traditional white ones. Furthermore, an endless supply of free, green electricity will be produced by forcing anyone who has soiled our society to run 16 hours a day on a treadmill. The purpose of this is threefold: one, it will punish naughty people; two, it will help stop the spread of the obesity plague; and finally, three, it will provide the final solution to overcrowding in British prisons.

TRANSPORT
In an age of rising fuel costs, congestion charging and cyclists, travelling by car has become almost as ghastly as travelling by public transport, while public transport has become as ghastly as David Cameron.

Hence, the NHA hereby propose a complete overhaul of public transport that addresses its primary problem, namely that it offers no respite from other members of the public. Our older citizens will not be permitted on buses unless restrained and silenced. As part of Nigel Havers' commitment to safer and greener transport initiatives, airbags will be made compulsory on all classes of motorcycles, and free Pogo Sticks will be offered to all. Private compartments will be introduced on buses, trains, planes, and the London Underground. First class sections and buffet cars will also be introduced on the Underground in order to make the whole experience a lot less like having tea with John Prescott. A new Nigel Havers Monorail network will also be constructed above the capital to help ease congestion.

To help combat terrorism, all passengers travelling on Nigel Havers’ own airline, HAVAIRS, will be stripped naked, rendered unconscious and locked into individual cages for the duration of the flight.

In an effort to reduce Road Rage, all women drivers will be banned, traffic wardens will be shot, and cycling enthusiasts will face crucifixion.  50 yard stretches of road with green paint and a picture resembling a bicycle, crudely known as "cycle lanes" will be removed, as they are dangerous and racist. Finally, we address the problem of speed camera signs being present in areas where there are no actual speed cameras, by only permitting cameras to be erected where there is a sign stating that there are real speed cameras nearby.

THE ELDERLY
Why should the elderly have to live like babies?  That's no life for our heroes.  That's why we will legalise euthanasia for those who are no longer any use to society.

THE MILLENNIUM DOME
Perhaps the biggest waste of space and public money in the history of the world, the Millennium Dome will finally be put to good use as the world’s biggest indoor chav-fighting ring.

The Dome will be divided into fourteen zones, where chavs, criminals, illegal immigrants, people who do not understand apostrophes, and any other filth to have soiled modern British society, will all be able to fight each other to the death in the name of entertainment, and as a fun solution to overcrowding in Britain.

ITV are currently in talks with the NHA to televise the fights as a welcome replacement to Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway.

THE EURO
Should we convert to the Euro, or stick with the faithful Pound?  Why do either?  The NHA have already introduced our own currency, the HAVERS.  This will solve the debate, and put a whole new angle on Britain's position in Europe, metaphorically and geographically.

EXPRESSIONS
All expressions, such as "No word of a lie", "Swings and roundabouts"  "Chance'd be a fine thing" and "For all Intents and Purposes" will be removed from the English Language, by force if necessary, as they serve no purpose whatsoever.

FACIAL HAIR
In order to restore Britain's image as fashion capital of the world, moustache licences must be applied for to the Havers Department of Facial Hair, in order to rid the world of images such as this. Failure to comply will result in death.

RELIGION
The Church of England shall be renamed "The Church of Nigel Havers", in respect of God's second son, Nigel. Furthermore, in order to make the experience of going to Church more pleasant, free beer and crisps shall be provided for those who find the bread and wine a little bland.

"GREAT" BRITAIN
In order to make Britain great again, the cities of Manchester, Derby, Coventry and Liverpool will be replaced with several new "Nigel Havers Forests".  This will help combat the ever increasing problem of global warming, as well as to rid the country of its most despised residents, who will be re-housed in Wales and the Isle of Wight.

EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION
In order to eradicate the problem of strangeness, all public schools will be destroyed.

SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE
The morning is traditionally a very depressing time.  As you are brought back to reality from whatever crazy things you dreamt about the previous night, you realise that you have decades left to live and you have run out of tea bags.  Therefore, anyone found being extremely happy first thing in the morning without a valid explanation will be arrested and will face a sentence of up to twelve minutes of Charlotte Church's music before being shot by a very mean and ruthless firing squad.

GRAMMAR
Anybody found guilty of grammar misuse, particularly apostrophes, will be sentenced to death.

HANDKERCHIEFS
All Handkerchiefs will be illegal, as they are disgusting and vile.  Imagine how the world would be if we all used reusable toilet paper, which was washed and ironed at the end of the week?  The handkerchief follows the same principle.  Only Nigel Havers' branded, conventional disposable tissues will be legally usable by the public (to be used in private, of course).  Any tissue which is not in the traditional NHA livery will be considered to be a handkerchief.  Offenders will be deported.

FOX MURDERERS
Those people who seem to think it is their 'right' as residents of the countryside to resort to mindless savagery will be divided into teams, where they will fight each other to the death.

GUNS
In accordance with the Nigel Havers Alliance Common Sense Act, no member of the public will be allowed to own a gun. This includes any murderous farmers.

OBESITY
To combat the ever increasing problem of obesity amongst our children, any person considered to be obese will have their life terminated.  Furthermore, special "Obesity Officers", crudely nick-named "obese-police" or "fat-cops", will monitor anybody breaking our new junk food laws, and all fast food "restaurants" will be replaced with Nigel Havers Tea Rooms, in order to prevent us from becoming a nation of fat Americans.

FORCE
In times of world-wide distress, instead of sitting down around a table and discussing matters as adults, we shall just go and eradicate anything in our path, whilst trying to impose our ideas of society onto others.

NIGEL HAVERS CALENDAR
The new, metric, Nigel Havers Calendar shall be introduced and enforced.  The year begins on 1st Nigelbruary, and ends on the 36th Nigember.  Furthermore, there will be 3 Extra National Holidays.  Similar to Bank Holidays, the new 'Nigel Havers' Days will be dispersed equally throughout the year, in which everything stops in honour of our lord, Nigel Havers.