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POLICIES

HEALTH

NHHSThe National Health Service was formed in 1948, a time when ordinary Britons were haggard and worn from the trials and tribulations of war, a struggling economy, and had little or no public services to show for their efforts.

Now, sixty years on, not much has changed.  The NHS remains a complete shambles, with waiting lists, a shortage of beds, super bugs, parking charges, and gross over expenditure, while public dental care is practically non-existent.

Something needs to be done to improve on this outdated health care system, and to bring it into the 21st century.

In order to solve the problems with the current health service, the NHA have pledged to replace the NHS with the NHHS (National Havers Health Service), in honour of The Saviour, Nigel Havers.

The NHHS endeavours to overcome the problems of the NHS by implementing the following measures:

Waiting Times and Bed Shortages

  • To reduce waiting times by 90%, ugly people will be denied treatment.
  • All patients will have to perform intelligence and personality tests to determine eligibility for treatment.  Treatment will be denied to those who cannot prove their contribution to Nigel’s society.
  • All patients will be limited to a maximum of three treatments per month.
  • Priority to accident and emergency treatments will be delivered according to their seriousness (i.e., silly accidents will not be treated).
  • In areas where beds are limited, service users will be encouraged to provide their own beds where possible (N.B., service users bringing flat-pack beds are reminded to provide their own Allen key).

Super Bugs

  • We will eradicate super bugs from our hospitals by hiring cleaners.
  • Nigel’s Sanitation Standards Commission will regularly assess facilities and standards of cleanliness, through the use of both scheduled and surprise inspections.  Severe punishments will be enforced for facilities that do not meet Nigel’s standards.

Parking Charges

  • Parking charges at NHHS hospitals and facilities will be eradicated, although parking charges will remain for women drivers and will be introduced for cyclists, in accordance with Nigel’s policy on discouraging nuisance road users.

OBESITY

  • To combat the ever increasing problem of obesity amongst society, any person considered to be obese will have their life terminated.  Furthermore, to prevent ordinary Britons from becoming a nation of fat Americans, the NHA “obese-police” or “fat-cops”, will monitor anybody breaking our new junk food laws, and all fast food “restaurants” will be replaced with Nigel Havers Tea Rooms.