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POLICIES

Transport

HavAirsIn an age of rising fuel costs, congestion charging and cyclists, travelling by car has become almost as ghastly as travelling by public transport, while public transport has become as ghastly as David Cameron. Hence, the NHA hereby propose a complete overhaul of transport in Britain.

Public Transport

The following measures address the primary problem of public transport in Britain, namely that it offers no respite from other members of the public:

  • Private compartments are to be introduced on buses, trains, planes, and the London Underground.
  • First class sections and buffet cars will be introduced on the London Underground in order to make the whole experience a lot less like having tea with John Prescott.
  • Our older citizens will not be permitted on buses unless restrained and silenced.
  • Nigel Havers MonorailTransport within the capital will at last be made efficient thanks to the introduction of the new Haverian Monorail network. This will be constructed one mile above the capital to ease congestion, and will offer a direct connection to and from every single station on the existing underground network.
  • The British Rail network will be re-Nigelised to form the Haverian Railway, where we will finally bring rail transport in Britain out of the steam age, by offering revolutionary concepts such as customer service, timetables, warp speed trains, and of course, free tea for all.

Motorcycles

  • As part of Nigel Havers’ commitment to safer and greener transport initiatives, green airbags will be made compulsory on all classes of motorcycles.

Pedestrians

  • A mandatory test will be introduced for all pedestrians to ensure they can walk in safety.  Speed, accuracy, safety, and ability to walk in a straight line, must all be assessed before being permitted to walk in public without a chaperone.
  • To improve efficiency across the entire British Walkways network, free pogo sticks will be offered to all.

Road Rage

  • In an effort to reduce Road Rage, all women drivers will be banned, and traffic wardens will be shot.
  • All cyclists will face crucifixtion, unless they follow the rules by sticking to the 50-metre stretches of green paint featuring crude drawings of cyclists, which have already been provided for these most ungrateful and rebellious of road users.

HavAirs

  • To help combat terrorism, all passengers travelling on Nigel Havers’ own airline, HavAirs, will be stripped naked, rendered unconscious and locked into individual cages for the duration of the flight.